Celebrating Asexuality: Queer-Affirming Sex Education
Publish note: This educational overview on asexuality was originally posted to my @sunandspirittherapy Instagram page on June 6, 2022 to celebrate Pride Month. Because asexuality can often be invisibilized and even forgotten in cishet as well as queer spaces, I didn’t realize I was ace until I was 26 years old.
[PLAIN TEXT TRANSCRIPTION]Celebrating asexuality
On a light purple background are painted a rainbow in ace flag colors (black, grey, white, and purple) and a white fluffy cloud. Purple text on top of the cloud reads, “Celebrating asexuality, @sunandspirittherapy.”
What is asexuality?
What is asexuality? In general, asexual (ace) folks do not experience sexual attraction. (Allosexual is the general term for folks who do experience sexual attraction.) There is a huge variety and fluidity in sexual, nonsexual, and relational experiences and preferences within the ace and ace-adjacent communities, as we all have unique experiences and needs. This post merely offers a starting point for understanding and solidarity.
Sexual attraction (feeling sexually drawn to others and wanting to act on attraction to others in a sexual way) ≠ sexual arousal, sex drive, libido (biological desire in an individual to experience sexual pleasure and release) ≠ attitudes towards sex (what we think and how we feel about sex).
There are other types of attraction besides sexual:
Romantic: feelings of romantic attraction and desire for romantic intimacy. Folks who do not experience this are aromantic.
Aesthetic: appreciation for someone’s appearance.
Sensual: desire to engage in sensual (not sexual) activities such as cuddling, massage, etc.
Personal attitudes towards sex can vary:
Sex favorable: A positive willingness to compromise with a sexual partner, openness to finding ways to enjoy sexual activity, happy to give sexual pleasure.
Sex neutral or indifferent: might be willing to occasionally compromise on a few things, doesn’t enjoy sex much but doesn’t feel distressed about it, might be willing to give pleasure but may not find it intimate.
Sex averse or repulsed: distressed or visceral reaction at the thought of sex, not willing to compromise.
A person can be fixed or fluid in their attitudes.
Just like everyone else, ace folks seek to cultivate relationships that meet their needs. Sex is just not one of those needs. Pleasure and intimacy can also be cultivated in nonsexual (and nonromantic) ways like shared interests, deep conversations, and acts of care.
Not experiencing sexual attraction does not preclude us from being sexual if we want and choose to be. Some reasons ace folks choose to have sex or be sexual (solo or partnered) can include having a high sex drive, connecting with allosexual partners, meeting physical needs, and experimenting with or enjoying sexual self-expression.
Ace folks who are sexual are still valid.
The ace umbrella also includes:
Greysexuality (grey-asexuality, grey-ace, grey-a): encompasses the grey area between asexual and sexual. Folks may experience sexual attraction very rarely or not very strongly. The greysexual flag has colored stripes in the following order: purple, grey, white, grey, and purple.
Demisexuality: not feeling sexual attraction towards someone unless a strong emotional bond has been established. The demisexual flag shows a thin purple stripe between a large white and a large grey stripe, with a black triangle on the left pointing right.
Plus: aceflux, fraysexuality, and more!
What is compulsory sexuality?
“A set of assumptions and behaviors that support the idea that every normal person is sexual, that is not wanting (socially approved) sex is unnatural and wrong, and that people who don’t care about sexuality are missing out on an utterly necessary experience.”
— Angela Chen
Similar to how heterosexuality and monogamy are reinforced as sociopolitical norms, social and political institutions also reinforce compulsory sexuality. It can be tempting to frame asexuality as an experience of lack or deficit. It's not. Like many other forms of systemic oppression, our struggle lies in being infantilized, invalidated, pathologized, and marginalized, with pressures to mask, perform, and conform in order to belong.
How does ace liberation tie into collective liberation?
“The goal of ace liberation is simply the goal of true sexual and romantic freedom for everyone. A society that is welcoming to aces can never be compatible with rape culture; with misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia, and transphobia; with current hierarchies of romance and friendship; and with contractual notions of consent. It is a society that respects choice and highlights the pleasure that can be found everywhere in our lives.”
— Angela Chen
So what can I do?
Listen to ace folks. You can start with the two resources I referenced throughout this post: Angela Chen's book Ace and the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) website. See us, hear us, respect and celebrate our differences, and let us take up space.
Examine your own assumptions about asexuality and your internalized compulsory sexuality. Where did they come from? How do they show up? Expand your ideas of how attraction, intimacy, and connection can look outside of scripts and norms. Collective liberation starts within each of us.
Sources cited:
Angela Chen (2020), Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex.
AVEN (2001–2020), ‘Asexuals and Attitudes Towards Sex.’ [website].
